Hello, ladies. Have you ever contemplated the behaviors of single males? Well, have you? After interviewing most of the single guys that I know, I must inform you – the generalizations about them are true. All of them said almost the exact same things in very separate interviews.
When they congregate with like-minded individuals, they don’t sit around the fondue pot – they go on a camping trip to the middle of nowhere with the sole purpose of shooting each other with a big boy’s version of a cap gun. The more welts, bruises, and broken skin, the better! They don’t ‘chat’ either – they yell things like, “THIS IS SPARTA!” at the top of their lungs while charging the enemy lines during said air soft war. Meanwhile the Rambo-like character on the other team is charging at you shouting “LEROY!”
Movie night? Nope. Well… not really. Let’s go see the latest, greatest, shoot-em-up movie in theaters! And they have it in 3D?! Now we have a chance to wear the funny glasses! But 3D movies cost a lot of money, so if they’re strapped for cash, maybe a Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or the Bourne Trilogy marathon will do. Do you think that they’ll sit still long enough to watch a chick flick? These aren’t the movies you’re looking for.
Road trip anyone? If you thought that guys didn’t do the ‘touchy-touchy’ thing, please think again. How do you think that 5 full grown men go to the campsite in one car? It wasn’t a truck either. They squished into the commuter car. Someone needs to inform the Asian car makers that the back seat doesn’t have enough room for legs, arms or heads. German cars, well, they’re a little better’ it depends on the model that you get. Nicer car = more expensive. Now, if you were to invest the extra money that you spend on 3D movies, you could potentially get that expensive, ritzy luxury vehicle, but do you want to drive that on a camping trip? I didn’t think so.
The bigger the better right? Why do you think that they came up with 2-handed swords, m1garands, tanks, fighter jets, battleships, aircraft carriers, monster trucks, v8 engines, grenades, illegal fireworks, explosives, mountain climbing, 12-gage shotguns… oh goodness… the list can go on. “All the better to impress you with!”
What about pets? Do they like to snuggle the cat while reading a good book and sipping tea? I think you can answer that one yourself. Let me give you an example of what would happen if they were to get, say, a fish. Ed was an Oscar. He was as big, mean and ugly as they come. Now, I want you to try to imagine what Ed would get to do since he was in the men’s dorm. You probably can’t even begin to imagine – I’ll just tell you. Once a week, Ed would get to be in a kiddie pool with a bunch of goldfish. They would all place bets on how many goldfish Ed would eat before he rolled over from eating too much. What? A fish needs to eat!
Are we allowed to talk about clothes in an essay about men? No! Okay, how about interior decorating? No? Okay… fine…
Is this too wordy for an essay on men?