Sunday, September 18, 2011

Signs of Singleness - For the Gents

Hello, ladies. Have you ever contemplated the behaviors of single males? Well, have you? After interviewing most of the single guys that I know, I must inform you – the generalizations about them are true. All of them said almost the exact same things in very separate interviews.

When they congregate with like-minded individuals, they don’t sit around the fondue pot – they go on a camping trip to the middle of nowhere with the sole purpose of shooting each other with a big boy’s version of a cap gun. The more welts, bruises, and broken skin, the better! They don’t ‘chat’ either – they yell things like, “THIS IS SPARTA!” at the top of their lungs while charging the enemy lines during said air soft war. Meanwhile the Rambo-like character on the other team is charging at you shouting “LEROY!”

Movie night? Nope. Well… not really. Let’s go see the latest, greatest, shoot-em-up movie in theaters! And they have it in 3D?! Now we have a chance to wear the funny glasses! But 3D movies cost a lot of money, so if they’re strapped for cash, maybe a Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or the Bourne Trilogy marathon will do. Do you think that they’ll sit still long enough to watch a chick flick? These aren’t the movies you’re looking for.

According to the interviewees, food is VERY important. But not just any food – no! – it needs to be from a box. Yes, you heard me right, ladies; the less prep, dishes and ‘creativity’ the better. Things like Top Ramen, Kraft mac and cheese, hot dogs, bachelor salad… What? Never heard of that before? I hadn’t either. Apparently, you buy pre-cut lettuce, dump it onto a plate, then pour the ranch dressing over it all. The lettuce is just a delivery system for the ranch and an excuse to say that you ate some green food when Mom calls that Sunday afternoon. There is one exception to the rule of minimal prep – BBQ. Any food that involves hanging out around a fire with a cold beer in one hand and the world’s biggest spatula in the other is heaven for any man. So, ladies, you just about died of a heart attack looking at the menu, didn’t you? Don’t worry. This is where you have a chance to save them because they do like good home cookin’ so long as it isn’t too girly, fancy, green or meat-free. It just needs to taste good.

Road trip anyone? If you thought that guys didn’t do the ‘touchy-touchy’ thing, please think again. How do you think that 5 full grown men go to the campsite in one car? It wasn’t a truck either. They squished into the commuter car. Someone needs to inform the Asian car makers that the back seat doesn’t have enough room for legs, arms or heads. German cars, well, they’re a little better’ it depends on the model that you get. Nicer car = more expensive. Now, if you were to invest the extra money that you spend on 3D movies, you could potentially get that expensive, ritzy luxury vehicle, but do you want to drive that on a camping trip? I didn’t think so.

The bigger the better right? Why do you think that they came up with 2-handed swords, m1garands, tanks, fighter jets, battleships, aircraft carriers, monster trucks, v8 engines, grenades, illegal fireworks, explosives, mountain climbing, 12-gage shotguns… oh goodness… the list can go on. “All the better to impress you with!”

They have hobbies, too. When it’s pouring rain with thunder and lightning with a chance of tornadoes and they don’t feel like getting much of an adrenaline rush, they need to stay occupied - inside. Prank plotting, insult throwing, movie quoting, character stat comparing, dream team creating, Mac vs. PC warring, pizza box collecting are all just a few options that a single guys has. But the choicest of the crop would be video games and anything associated with video games. Especially LAN parties because you can sit in the comfort of your thrift shop recliner with a lap top illuminating you face while still beating up your friends. It would be even better if said friends were all in the same room eating all your potato chip and Twizzler stash.

What about pets? Do they like to snuggle the cat while reading a good book and sipping tea? I think you can answer that one yourself. Let me give you an example of what would happen if they were to get, say, a fish. Ed was an Oscar. He was as big, mean and ugly as they come. Now, I want you to try to imagine what Ed would get to do since he was in the men’s dorm. You probably can’t even begin to imagine – I’ll just tell you. Once a week, Ed would get to be in a kiddie pool with a bunch of goldfish. They would all place bets on how many goldfish Ed would eat before he rolled over from eating too much. What? A fish needs to eat!

Are we allowed to talk about clothes in an essay about men? No! Okay, how about interior decorating? No? Okay… fine… 

Is this too wordy for an essay on men?


  1. I want to write some retorts, but right now I have homework. Is that enough rebuttal? Some of us care about real life enough to pursue knowledge as well as fun. "Guy" stereotypes ain't the whole story. Plus, much could be said in the other direction - "sewing, teapots, movies... " and so forth. I won't even start right now.

    I hope you aren't complaining though... There's some design and method to masculine madness. After all, who gets called on to do the heavy lifting?

  2. What about girls that would prefer air-soft to tea parties and Lord of the Rings over any chick-flick you could name?