Sunday, September 18, 2011

Signs of Singleness - For the Gents

Hello, ladies. Have you ever contemplated the behaviors of single males? Well, have you? After interviewing most of the single guys that I know, I must inform you – the generalizations about them are true. All of them said almost the exact same things in very separate interviews.

When they congregate with like-minded individuals, they don’t sit around the fondue pot – they go on a camping trip to the middle of nowhere with the sole purpose of shooting each other with a big boy’s version of a cap gun. The more welts, bruises, and broken skin, the better! They don’t ‘chat’ either – they yell things like, “THIS IS SPARTA!” at the top of their lungs while charging the enemy lines during said air soft war. Meanwhile the Rambo-like character on the other team is charging at you shouting “LEROY!”

Movie night? Nope. Well… not really. Let’s go see the latest, greatest, shoot-em-up movie in theaters! And they have it in 3D?! Now we have a chance to wear the funny glasses! But 3D movies cost a lot of money, so if they’re strapped for cash, maybe a Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, or the Bourne Trilogy marathon will do. Do you think that they’ll sit still long enough to watch a chick flick? These aren’t the movies you’re looking for.

According to the interviewees, food is VERY important. But not just any food – no! – it needs to be from a box. Yes, you heard me right, ladies; the less prep, dishes and ‘creativity’ the better. Things like Top Ramen, Kraft mac and cheese, hot dogs, bachelor salad… What? Never heard of that before? I hadn’t either. Apparently, you buy pre-cut lettuce, dump it onto a plate, then pour the ranch dressing over it all. The lettuce is just a delivery system for the ranch and an excuse to say that you ate some green food when Mom calls that Sunday afternoon. There is one exception to the rule of minimal prep – BBQ. Any food that involves hanging out around a fire with a cold beer in one hand and the world’s biggest spatula in the other is heaven for any man. So, ladies, you just about died of a heart attack looking at the menu, didn’t you? Don’t worry. This is where you have a chance to save them because they do like good home cookin’ so long as it isn’t too girly, fancy, green or meat-free. It just needs to taste good.

Road trip anyone? If you thought that guys didn’t do the ‘touchy-touchy’ thing, please think again. How do you think that 5 full grown men go to the campsite in one car? It wasn’t a truck either. They squished into the commuter car. Someone needs to inform the Asian car makers that the back seat doesn’t have enough room for legs, arms or heads. German cars, well, they’re a little better’ it depends on the model that you get. Nicer car = more expensive. Now, if you were to invest the extra money that you spend on 3D movies, you could potentially get that expensive, ritzy luxury vehicle, but do you want to drive that on a camping trip? I didn’t think so.

The bigger the better right? Why do you think that they came up with 2-handed swords, m1garands, tanks, fighter jets, battleships, aircraft carriers, monster trucks, v8 engines, grenades, illegal fireworks, explosives, mountain climbing, 12-gage shotguns… oh goodness… the list can go on. “All the better to impress you with!”

They have hobbies, too. When it’s pouring rain with thunder and lightning with a chance of tornadoes and they don’t feel like getting much of an adrenaline rush, they need to stay occupied - inside. Prank plotting, insult throwing, movie quoting, character stat comparing, dream team creating, Mac vs. PC warring, pizza box collecting are all just a few options that a single guys has. But the choicest of the crop would be video games and anything associated with video games. Especially LAN parties because you can sit in the comfort of your thrift shop recliner with a lap top illuminating you face while still beating up your friends. It would be even better if said friends were all in the same room eating all your potato chip and Twizzler stash.

What about pets? Do they like to snuggle the cat while reading a good book and sipping tea? I think you can answer that one yourself. Let me give you an example of what would happen if they were to get, say, a fish. Ed was an Oscar. He was as big, mean and ugly as they come. Now, I want you to try to imagine what Ed would get to do since he was in the men’s dorm. You probably can’t even begin to imagine – I’ll just tell you. Once a week, Ed would get to be in a kiddie pool with a bunch of goldfish. They would all place bets on how many goldfish Ed would eat before he rolled over from eating too much. What? A fish needs to eat!

Are we allowed to talk about clothes in an essay about men? No! Okay, how about interior decorating? No? Okay… fine… 

Is this too wordy for an essay on men?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Oma's doll

Jessica entered several things into the county fair and then the state fair (a crochet doll, a lap-gan, and a custom designed fashion hat). We hoped to go the the state fair to see how her things did, but we weren't able to go because of a hectic schedule. Today, Mom and I picked up the entries because Jess was at a music lesson. We decided to not text her about what she got so that we could see her face when she saw the ribbons. Then I wouldn't let her open the bag up until I got the camera. Evil older sister. 

"Oh my gosh! Everything won first!" 

This little Dutch doll won 1st and Judge's choice at the county fair and 1st and Best of Class (crochet) at State Fair. o_O

But who can resist that face? I mean really?

Monday, September 5, 2011

Fairy Tales and Happy Endings

Once upon a time... 
There was a princess whose name was Laura. She waited and waited for her Prince Charming to come, but it was many long years before she even laid eyes on him. Once she 'met' Sir Robert, it was love before first sight. He first had to approach her father. A frightening task for any brave man - especially since Princess Laura was the king's only daughter! Slaying many dragons to prove himself to the king, Sir Robert gained the king's approval. Their love for each other blossomed every day, and after a while, he proposed to his lady amidst fields of tulips. Their wedding day was celebrated by everyone who knew them. And what a day it was!

Their closest friends gathered to help, encourage, and support the couple during their engagement and the wedding festivities.

The procession - beautiful. simple. elegant. perfect.

As they said their vows, the church was silent to hear every word of this special moment. "With this ring, I thee wed..."

And the kiss. Who can forget the kiss?
The Princess Bride in all her glowing beauty

The talented princess also made her own bouquet complete with roses, larkspur, and rosemary. 

The cake was a sight to behold! (and a taste to behold). An expertly crafted, edible masterpiece made from vanilla cake with pieces of candied ginger. Oh what bliss! 

Of course the bridal party had fun. 

The bouquets for her ladies-in-waiting were simple and sweet - dried lavender wrapped in a ribbon with pearls along one side

The entire bridal party looking quite like a certain famous painting

What kind of party would it be without a feast fit for a king?

The first dance - how sweet it was!

 Festive lanterns hung from the ceiling of the ballroom

  It was quite the celebration!

And they lived happily ever after... 

For better pictures, see this